| Back for the third time |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|01:20 pm] |
I've been 21 for 3 months and I'm still purging. I purged on Monday and twice yesterday. It has now been over 8 years since I thought that throwing up would be a good idea. My life is great at the moment; I'm back from uni, I start my dream job next week and I have pretty clothes yet all I want to do is starve. Tra la la la la la la. It's weird that even though I've never recovered I've missed it. I've missed being completely in it, where nothing else matter. I feel bad for saying that I want to go back to it because I know how shit it was but it was also comforting, my little secret that gave me strength whilst taking all my strength. Even writing this I know that I am a whole world of crazy. My work wanted me to fill in a medical form and I haven't sent it in because it asks if I have mental health problems and I know I do but I don't want to tell them that. I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day and it made me realise how far I've come. We went out 5 years ago and he was abusive and controlling and yet my sick twisted love for him made me go to him everytime. Well we ended up on the same train and he looked at me but I pretended not to recognise him and I was shocked by how he hadn't changed. It was if he hadn't moved in 5 years. I felt sick when I saw him because it brought back all the memories of the bad stuff that happened but it also made me feel good because I have got past it. That's not to say I didn't want to smash the glass bottle he was drinking in to his face but it hit me that I was no longer that little girl who would let boys mess her around just because they said they loved her. When we got off the train he kept looking at me trying to get my attention and to make eye contact but I refused to look at him, to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I knew who he was. Of course I knew who he was, what did he expect that I would forget the face of the person who had put me through so much. I just wanted to appear as though I had forgotten him. I know I never will but I'm glad as knowing that I overcame that situation gives me the strength to know I can overcome others. Since him I got my A levels, I got my degree and got the job of my dreams, in spite of him I achieved and that makes me happy. Happy yet not complete. Hunger makes me complete that feeling over emptiness which fills me more than anything in the world.
I haven't eaten in 14 hours and I've been for a run today. I know I should eat but I really don't want to. I feel that split personality thing happening where I know I should eat more than vegetables but all I want to do is eat vegetables.
Yesterday and this morning as I was cooking for the family I felt that familiar sense of joy as I made food for others. That feeling that I'm cooking something I know I won't eat much of, if any. I'm making sautee potatoes and chicken for dinner today and I'm peeling the potatoes now so that they can soak and I feel happy as I know I'm looking after the family even though I probably won't eat it myself. It's weird to take pleasure in preparing meals you won't partake in but that always happens when I'm about to go into or am in an episode. Not sure what to do. My hair had to be cut because it was falling out and is slowly growing back and would like to have long thick hair again but that means eating and I really want to get rid of my boobs whih have gone from a 32C to 30DD. I hate the way people look at them. I hate that I have to wear a size 4 or 6 in shirts just to get the buttons to stay together. It means all my shirts need to be tucked into trousers or skirts as they are too big around the rest of me.
I hate the fact that when I feel fat I have to worry about eating rather than not eating. I wish I had a normal outlook on food. When my friend Hilde thinks she's getting fat she just says oh well and cuts out unhealthy foods whereas when I feel fat I want to cut out everything because I know I can.
I'm 114lbs right now and I would love to be 95lbs but I know that I would lose my hair if I did it the way I want to do it. Life is hard. |
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| Bastards |
[Dec. 20th, 2007|12:22 am] |
I hate that I still value myself in weight. I have been really good recently- not purging everyday and no more than 5 times on the days that I have. I know I have gained weight even though I don't have scales as my clothes feel tighter. My boobs have grown- 32C- and whilst it is nice, boobs are just fat and I can't help thinking that. I went to the doctor to see what i can do about my skin- throwing up means i am still not getting the nutrients i need so my skin is prone to breakouts- and she put me on the pill and asked me to get on the scales. i almost ran out of the surgery. she knows that i have a history of ED, why did she put me on the spot. I told her that i was recovered so i had to act as if i get on scales all the time but i wanted to weep so badly. When she looked at it she asked if it said 55 when it said 54. I know it's not much difference but i a 54kg, it is hard enough trying to cope with that. 1kg is a bag of sugar. I weighed myself at my mum's on Tuesday morning and I was 119lbs, 8.5 stones. I wanted to cry for 2 reasons- before i knew what i weighed i was having a good day and the fact that i was heavier than i would wish ruined it. It upset me to think that my weight can still ruin my day. So far to go till I am fine.
My first instinct was to say "lose 10 lbs" and to go nil by mouth for a week but I know that it's not healthy. I have been running in the early morning and feel better for it. my hair is finally thickening up again- i can't afford to fall into the hole again.
I was standing behind these girls who said they didn't understand how people could starve themselves because they loved food sooo much but that's what they don't understand. It's not that I don't enjoy food, I love food and that's what scares me.
Monday night I had three square meals and couldn't work out the calorie intake so purged three times. Tuesday I puked four times, it's Wednesday and I haven't puked all day. I went out for dinner, it's easier/harder to eat out because I don't know the calorie count of food and it tends to be fattier than the homemade version but at least i can't throw up. I had lamb jalfrezi which is lamb in tomato and chilli sauce, relatively healthy as it has no cream and I had a spoonful of rice as Emma, my recovered bulimic friend, shared it and I let her eat it.
I like being friends with Emma but sometimes i feel like she wants me to recover so i can be fat. I didn't want to drink a pint as I was having a food-centric day and was freaking out about how much i had but she forced me. I know it sounds silly to say she forced me but we were in the clubhouse and the rugby club is all about peer pressure. If i hadn't downed the pint then I would not have the power to force other people to down pints in the future- sad but true. I downed it and then all i wanted to do was stick my hand down my throat but I didn't i was good/bad and let the calories sink in.
Also she is so aware of good and bad foods and says it in front of me and sometimes as I am trying to feel calm with a food she makes me panicky. Today after dinner I said I wanted cake and was going to buy a slice but she said it was a bad food. I know that it isn't a vegetable but i was trying the whole "let your body tell you what it wants and eat it in moderation" idea but then her attitude me want to throw up dinner. In the end she ate our after dinner chocolates and she bought a chocolate bar. She asked if i wanted some but I had lost my desire to eat.
Came home and had a bowl of vegetables as my stomach is sooo full. I need to drink more hot water and eat less carbs.
I don't know what damage I have done to my eyes as my left eye now has lights flashing in front of it all the time. I googled it and it could be a floater which could lead to blindness i hope it doesn't, obviously. shit i'm going to the doctor now, i have scared myself. |
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| Boys dont get fat |
[Jul. 18th, 2007|07:52 am] |
Gaaaah!!! I went to stay with my boyfriend 9i guess that's what he is now and I have gained 7lbs!! I was 117lbs the week before, I dropped 5 and then when I was there (for 4 days) i gained 7lbs!!! i am 119lbs.
I know a lot of it is food weight as when i was there I couldn't go toilet but still. I hate him for being so cute and eating whatever he likes and being so thin. His hipo bones stick out, it is the hottest thing. I got swept up in his diet and was eating 3 BIIG meals a day because he doesn't like to eat alone. Well well done me. I kept him company and added to myself. Just as well he likes me because now there is so much more of me than before. i really want to take some laxatives but i think i'm gonna let nature take its course for once. Also, I have some class As to stave off any hunger pangs. yay yay!!!
119lbs!!! I was supposed to be going to a wedding this weekend and this guy I got with last year is going I had planned to be back to 104lbs by then!! Glad I said I couldnt go because i can't face being the fat girl that he once hooked up with. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|03:25 am] |
I am such a screw up. I should be so happy, i have friends, a family that loves me, i passed this year, I have a job i enjoy but still I stick my hand down my throat at least 6 times a week. i say hand because my gag reflex is so fucked that two fingers won't do anymore. i'm great at oral and it's becausei'm such a devout bulimic. damn that was a sick thing to write or even think but i do. My mind is so dark sometimes it scares me. i was on the train and I thought this man was going to put his hand down my top and i was just thinking if he does i will just stab him in the eye. I felt so calm when I thought it. It scared me to think i could have such violent thoughts. I know i am just manifesting my hatred for those that quite literally fucked me over onto other people but still..
i'm still fat but as long as I'm alive there is time to change that. I am so tired of this shit. tired of being happy to wake up in the morning just so i can so how much i have lost over night. I'm tired of only eating things I know the calorie content. I want to eat with wild abandon, and not throw it up. It's scary just how much power it has over me. There are times when I am bingeing and i am willing myself to dtop but the power of the binge is greater than me. WHy don't i just cry like normal people? Why can't i just confide in people like normal people? My friend Emma is a recovering bulimic who lapses frequently. She knows that I'm still in the thick of it. It would be so easy for me to talk to her but whenever she asks I just lie and say I'm fine. I'm not fine- my gran saw me yesterday and said that my face was fat. It's true- my face is sooo fat, fat because I'm fat but also puffy from the hardcore purging. I think I would like someone to talk to but I cant really trust anyone.
People have let me down so often. I can't open up about the very thing that makes me me. I am soo tired. I am not sleeping properly. I'm so tired of this crap. I can't wait to die, for it to all be over. I say that but I'm not suicidal. I don't want to kill myself, although the Bulimia will probably. I want to beat it, eventually. As long as I'm alive i have hope, but as long as I'm alive the battle continues and so far I am losing.
I'm too scared to win. Too scared of serious weight gain. What if when i get better i wear a size 10? Women wear size ten, i am the height of a young girl. me as a size 10 will make me look like a house. I can't bear having to buy all my clothes again, in larger sizes.
I'm too scared of having to show real emotions. Right now I have anger. i am angry at food. I am angry at myself. I am angry that i let myself gain.
This mornign I set 108lbs as my low weight target- I had planned to be normal but I know that when I get there i steal feel fat and i'll have to go lower. maybe it is better that i hover between 108-115lb all the time. I miss 95lbs. i miss hardcore collar bones.
Must go to bed it is almost four and I have work tomorrow. off to lay in the dark until sleep falls |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|08:01 pm] |
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WHat a joke! I'm upset so I binge. I have just bp'd. My throat is killing me. I want to cry. I am 20 now- 7 years and I still solve my problems in the same way. This is getting boring. Maybe I should go back into therapy. Oh i wish i could just close my eyes and be happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|05:46 pm] |
There is a guy at uni that reminds me of mario. We have only spoken once but he epitomises everything that i love/d about Mario. it's weird because although he reminds me of Mario, I don't want him. Fuck! I need to forget Mario. My heart hurts whenever I think about him. If mario could read this I would say I love you so very much, and I wish you were hear. I'm trying to forget you, but I don't want to. I need you to tell me to fuck off. I need you to end all contact because I can't. Even when you didn't write, or call, I was still hoping, and then just when i was ready to give up you came back. I don't understand why- I can't be your friend, it would hurt too much. I want to be with you. I know I wouldn't see you all the time, but that's fine. I just want it to be like it use to be.
How sad is that? we were together for 3 months, and three months on I am still clinging to this guy. I wish I didn't fall so hard. You made me love you. i don't do that. i take so long to heal. xxx |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|05:34 pm] |
I'm so tired off this. I don't have scales but I feel like i weigh 117lbs. I have started exercising again- i remember why i try not to do it- it is really addictive. Since I wrote on this Mario, my ex has been in contact. He confuses me so much. I was all prepared to move on and forget about him, but he pops up randomly just when I want to move forward. I know I should just forget him; he lives in another country, and it probably won't work, but I love him so much. I don't want to give up on us easily. I have stayed with guys that treated me so badly because I loved them. This guy has never hurt me, and yet I am walking away. Maybe I should cut my losses, and take it for the memories. He liked me for who i was- that means others could but right now i don't want others. He haunts my dreams. Everytime I go to bed I remember how he would kiss me before bed, and I remember the excitement I felt when I woke up next to him. I need to get over him- it's going to take time, but if I don't i will end up more unhappy, living in the past. I need to stop doing that because it hurts, and that means that I eat my pain. Yesterday alone I purged three times.
As off today I refuse to eat after 6. Today I have eaten 2 carrots, 100g veg, a salmon fillet, it works out at less than 500 kcals. I am happy. The day isn't over but I feel like I am in control, and the chance of bingeing is slim. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|01:27 pm] |
116!!
I sicken myself. My birthday is in just over 2 weeks. I cant be bigger than I was last year. I hate my life. I am single, the guy that i chose to give it up for didnt care. I thought he was a man but he was just a paper bag. Yesterday I ate my pain, and through it all up but clearly I am paying for it according to the scales.
On liquids. I want to die. I was so tempted to cut yesterday, I have never done it before but the pain is unbearable. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I am taking pain killers because my heart is killing me. It's funny because my purging damages my heart but the pain of losing Mario hurts soooooo much more. I can't wait for death. My head is heavy, my body is heavy, I am a mess.
I had a dream that I lost my teeth when I was sick. I woke up and was scared that I was toothless but i'm not. Pah!
Going crazy. I know I'm too much for a guy to handle. I need to save myself, I can't expect a guy to save me but right now help would be good. Who can help me?
I need someone to understand that yes I'm crazy, yes I have a fucked up past, and yes I will throw up most things but sometimes I do want to live. Haha not quite the lonely hearts you usually see in the paper.
I want to be better but I can't gain. 116 is freaking me out. 8st 4. Right now I would give anything to be 7st 12. It's not even a low weight but i'd take 110 over 116. I hope I dont die today. I cant die fat.
I wont give myself to another man until I find inner happiness. I'm going to be single a long time but I need this.
This weekend I was an absolute bitch. There was this guy who liked me, a friend of my best mate who i was visiting, so I played him for a fool. I was like 'yeah, i like you' and made him eat me out. Then he was like let's have sex. Ha yeah right. I left him and ignored him the rest of my stay. He kept trying to get me to talk to him but I just made out he was dead. I am so good at mentally killing people. It made me feel sick to look at him. He wasnt Mario, he was just a stupid cunt, how can you let ME manipulate YOU. I am a fuck up, if I can manipulate you then you have more problems than me.
I know I can still get guys but I want someone like MArio. I miss his soft, safe kisses. I miss the way he just held me without expecting anything. I loved the way we had sex and I didnt feel scared or like I was using sex to control him. The sex was safe, and equal. I can't have sex until I know that's what I'm getting. I know Mario and I are done, and it hurts but fuck it, this time I will not whore myself out trying to get over a guy.
I'm a good girl!
I know I'll read this later and be shocked at the vemon I can write but right now this is how I feel. I am so lost but shhhhh it's a secret.
Off to take more painkillers- hopefully they'll make me sleep.
I need real drugs actually. I'm gonna find a dealer and get coke and pills. I have exams in 3 and a bit weeks. I need something to get me through. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2007|07:57 pm] |
Ok. I have no idea how much I weigh, all i know is that I have got my period. I am in so much fucking pain. I took 20 laxatives on Saturday night and up until today I couldn't be too far from the toilet- i couldn't even sleep. Spent the night on the toilet with a hot water bottle on my stomach.
I tried to eat normally because I'm on my period (as much as I hate what my period stands for) but it didnt quite work. I ate 2 slices of bread and then my brain went click, i could feel myself going into binge mode- i ate 6 slices of bread and 2 eggs. It's all in the toilet now but I feel so stupid. Why can't i just eat, it looks so fucking easy. Loads of my friends say how much they like to eat but they dont have problems, they just like to eat good food; i like to eat everything and then throw it up. I don't even like eggs or white bread but I ate it sure enough. I feel sick at the thought that i ate it.
Whenever I eat i feel sick because I can feel the weight gain but knowing that i ate eggs, a food i have never liked, makes me feel even more sick. It shows just how crazy my relationship with food is.
It's the Easter holidays so i've come to my mums house. The thing is I want to lose weight because I feel too big but I want to do it sensibly. I dont want to purge or restrict. I dont know how i can do this though. Whenever i start to lose weight it gets addictive. I have tried to set a goal weight and stick to it but i am always fat when i get to my goal weight. I think i want to be 95lbs- that's fine because I am under 5ft. Ahhh! I hate setting goal weights because it's what all those stupid girls do when they want to 'become anorexic' but if I dont have a goal then I will just do it till i disappear.
I need to get my life back on track but I know I can't gain weight at this moment in time. The very idea makes me feel sick- fuck sake, how can i want to get my life sorted when weight gain frightens me?
My stomach hurts so bad- period cramps and laxative cramps do not mix. I need to stop taking laxatives. Tomorrow i won't eat, just water to flush the rest of the laxatives out. Then on Wednesday I will start to be normal. I have bought vegetables and soup. I figured that I need to start w/ a low carb week or two and then as I get my strength up then I can add carbs and exercise. That's the thing, I am bigger than I was in September but I have less energy, i need energy if I'm gonna keep playing rugby. Carbs lead to binges so I need to train myself to eat them in a calm and rational way.
This is gonna be a fucking long journey but I am 20 in May and I dont want to be eating disordered then. I want to be able to go for a meal and not panic- i want to be normal.
Going to weigh myself tomorrow- quite impressed that I haven't weighed myself today. I saw a picture that was taken on Friday and my face is puffy as hell, my hair looks dry, I don't want this anymore. I want my health.
Having said that maybe 95lbs isnt a good weight for me. I want to wear the clothes but I want to be healthy with it. I'm not as big as I was this time last year but still. I need to lose it, properly.
I think i'll do a 40 min walk tonight, i love walking at night,no disruptions.
OK, tomorrow is the start of a new, healthier me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|09:05 am] |
OK, god I take it back. Recovery isn't for loser. I dont know why I said that, I wish I was better, and that food wasn't the biggest issue in my life. It's just for so long being tiny has been my aim that I can't see why anyone would want me to be anything else. I know that i am probably fucked, I can't see how i will ever have a normal relationship w/ food or weight gain. I dont think recovery will ever happen for me, i just wish someone could take away the idea that being thin is everything. It's so sad that my whole life could be perfect but I want to focus on something so trivial. People need food to live, why develop a phobia of something required to live? I wish I could just leave my ED behind, and start enjoying life. So many people are actually suffering through no fault of their own. i just feel so guilty because i did this to me. This is worse than anything they did to me because I guess I chose it, and now I am not fighting it. Aaagh I don't know what I think.
I just feel so stupid because in the real world i am not stupid but even when I am with friends having an amazing time, food and weight still consume my very being. I have a degree to work towards but more important than getting a First is being so deliciously thin. It's all my fault, I played up to being small and delicate so people always comment when I gain. 'Wow, you look healthy' 'i see uni life is treating you well' you're filling out.' I know when these things are said they aren't said to be malicious but they blast the idea that recovery is good out of the water. I'm just not strong enough to deal w/ comments about my weight. Negative comments lead to purging and restriction because i feel soooo amazingly fat, positive comments lead to purging and or restriction because I don't want to get fatter. People only ever compliment me by saying, 'you're so small' and i know I'm not pretty so if I get fat, I'm fat and ugly. God, what a depressing thought. ugly is easier when you take up less space in the world. |
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| Back log |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|09:05 am] |
My stomach kills, I am so constipated. I have been drinking warm water but still nothing since Thursday, and that was when I took 20 laxatives. I can feel it inside me and i feel so sick.
I am smoking because that always makes me need to go so I am just waiting. I have lost 5lbs over the weekend, I gained, and then lost so although I lost 5lbs I am at 113lbs. I tried on my skinny jeans and they fit, I feel like crying. I miss the loose feeling. i used to wear them and they looked like boyfriend jeans on me. recovery is for losers |
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| plan of action |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|09:53 am] |
My stmach is still gurgling. I'm going to get more laxatives. Until I am 108 it will be hot water, tea and Tesco healthy living soup. I am currently 117lbs- yuck, yuck, yuck. off to tesco to buy soup and laxatives.
I need to shock my body into losing weight again.
Glad it's exam season soon, that means being in the library all day. No food in the library- love it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|12:44 pm] |
I am in a weird place. I have the perfect life right now. I have just been elected Social Sec of the rugby team (a position i really wanted) I won by a landslide which should make me happy but i feel empty. I have a boyfriend who's normal, he treats me like a human- a step up from all the guys before. He knows that I'm uncomfortable around food and doesn't pressurise me. He always tries to quiet my fears, if we go for a meal I always panic that my stomach is bloated and he was quick to say that even models stomaches aren't as flat after a meal. This was the sweetest thing he could have said but he doesn't get it. i am not competing w/ models, I am competing w/ myself which is why it is an eternal race, i will never win. He's told me that I'm not fat but it made me paranoid. He said he'd tell me if I got fat, now I am scared that one day he'll tell me i'm fat. i think i'm fat but for him to say it would absolutely kill me. So now I am paranoid as hell about any weight gain. The thing about our relationship is that he lives in Switzerland and I live in England. This does not a perfect relationship make but it gives me the freedom to be freaky w/ food most of the time. When I'm w/ him I feel slightly calmer, I only weigh myself in the morning rather than after every form of consumption and ablution.
Right now he is in Thailand and I trust him but I miss him. I hate missing him because then I eat to fill the void which means I purge a lot more. My face is soooo puffy. I should be seeing him in the next 3/4 weeks so i need to cut down the purging so that my face isn't so gross. Having said that i just purged breakfast - spaghetti and cheese. I can't eat anything else today because I wont be able to keep it down.
It's strange how sometimes i eat and I am able to almost forget it but other times, like just now, the knowledge that there is food inside me was so consuming that it rendered me unable to do anything until I had removed it.
So, yeah, in a perfect place, my degree is on course, the girl that I hate is moving out of ours but I am still so empty. Last week when I went out I was on MDMA and whilst I was up it was fucking amazing but when I came home the following afternoon the comedown was awful. I haven't had a comedown like that before. I just cried and cried and cried.
I think I'm constipated. I took about15 or 20 laxatives on Thursday and nothing I have eaten since has resurfaced. Thursday night I couldnt sleep because I'd taken so many but after the madness of Thursday night everything else is just stuck inside me. my stomach feels so rough and keeps gurgling. Drinking water to encourage movement but I am so tempted to just pop another 20 to get rid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2007|12:38 am] |
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Once you've tasted the weight loss you can't ever be happy bigger. My boyfriend tells me I'm not fat but I feel huge. It's my birthday in May ad I can't be bigger this year than I was last year. Looking at pictures of me last year I see how fat I was but I know that I am bigger now and it makes me so sad. The laxatives are curdling my stomach. tomorrow i will start a fast. |
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| Return of the prodigal |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|10:57 pm] |
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I am back where i belong. It's been a long time but i am back. I have just taken 20 laxatives and I am waiting for them to take effect. I am at 118- tried to recover- there is nothing worse than feeling your jeans tightening around your legs- I was supposed to be trying to recover but recovery is not for me. I'm not ready to save myself |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|06:34 pm] |
I hurt! I don't know what's wrong with me. I am on fucking anti depressents. I am waiting to feel nothing. Where the fuck is my oblivion? I ate a couple of cookies today. I feel sick. I have consumed 25 laxatives in under 24hours. My stomach is in turmoil and I love it. That's right bitches, I am back! It is good to be back. Fuck being 'normal' I'm not normal so why pretend. give me pills, give me my oblivion and let me get on with it.
I miss my baby. I want my innocence back. I dont wanna be a whore but it's all i have. I miss Loz. I hate that she's in a clinic. I hate that my counsellor thinks I'm mental. I know I'm mental. I hate that I missed my session yesterday. I dont wanna be put away but i scare myself. i drink till i cant see and will do anything to make myself hurt. Pain is all I have. No amount of pills can make me happy so i'll stick to hurting. Hurt is the purest emotion. i want to be pure. i dont wanna be a dirty girl anymore. STOP!!! I'm not dirty, not really. CAn't anyone see?? I'm just lost, so lost. Someone take my hand and lead me to safety.
I want to be the phoenix. I want to rise from all this bullshit. I want to win but weightloss is the only reward I can have. I want to emerge a good person, I want to be a loveable person. I want to be able to deal with compliments without freaking out. I want to believe in myself, really believe in myself. I want to like a person and not fear that they will fuck me over. I want to rip out this heart of mine, it is broken and doesnt work properly. I want a new clean heart. Sometimes my heart beats and sometimes it doesn't- thanks bulimia. I am not scared of dying but I can't die yet. i wanna turn myself inside out. I want to wear my hurt on my outside. i want to scream save me. Mummy and Daddy, listen to me I need you so bad. i need you so bad. i wanna be your little girl again. Don't leave me, I'm sorry I was bad. i didnt want those things to happen to me. I was trying to be good. Please believe me. I am so scared that you don't believe me, I'm scared you will abandon me. I can't let you leave me. I am already so alone. All alone in my head.
mummy, this is for you. I want to like touch but touch leads to sex. Sex has lost its shine. sex is unequal, only one person has fun. I use it to control people as it was used against me. Compliments mean someone wants something. i have nothing left to give. i am empty mummy, so empty. Hug me Mummy, tell me it is ok and that no one can ever hurt me like they did. tell me it wasnt my fault. i need you to tell me that you forgive me.
Daddy, I am so sorry I lied to you. I'm not ok. Your baby (i hope i am still your baby) is falling apart and she is too scared to show you. i am cut so deep but i dont have physical external wounds. i internalise everything to protect you and mummy.
you guys are the best parents and I hate that I let you down. i let them destroy me. I let them violate me when you did everything to keep me safe, I was your precious daughter. Everytime I see you guys I hurt, You guys dont love me. You love what you think I am. I am a fraud. I have secrets, bad, dirty secrets. If you know how damaged I am you won't love me and i cant risk that and so i lie.
I hate lying to you guys because it means you will never really know me. You guys are my world and I want you to share my world but I cant risk it.
I love you so much. please understand that i am a product of a dark past, not your parenting. xxxxxxx |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2006|02:25 pm] |
I'm getting help. I want to be better. I could hope that I get in 5years time but I might be dead by then. My life has been shit but I don't wanna give up on life. I won't let them win and by hurting myself like this i have been. I purged today but it is was for the last time. I mean it. I was vomitting but I didnt feel better as i did it, i felt so much worse so i stopped. It's not amazing but it's something. The longest journey starts wit the first step.
My newly acquired therapist is rubbish but I need to give it a go. I have been prescribed with prozac but I have only just produced my prescription. I got given the prescription 2 weeks ago but I was still denying that I was depressed and felt that I could make myself better.
I'm so scared. I don't know what I will be like on prozac. I cant remember a life before my ED and I dont know how I am gonna cope because when i;m stresses i binge/purge or starve even more than usual. Maybe I'll finally be a grown up.
I got my period back, dunno if it is back but i got it properly for the first time and whilst it freaked me out it is kind off a sign that I'm not completely broken. |
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| Confession- good for the soul |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|12:27 am] |
Hey Dolly,
I'm glad the weekend was a 'success' but quite selfishly I am glad you are back. Don't worry about insulting my mum I love her but I am not blind to her faults. Having said that most people aren't as clued up on ED as we are.
After my fight w/ my mum I did engage in my ritual b/p. I tried not to but I was so mad it was the only thing to calm me down. I went home to meet my flatmate and I ended up telling her everything. She already figured about my ED as she lived w/ me last year but unlike the other girls I live w/ she 'gets it' because she went through some stuff and ended up in a clinic w/ girls suffering from Depression, post traumatic stress and ED. It was weird talking to her sobre because she knows bits from my past as we had a 'confessional' once last year when we were very drunk but yesterday we just laid it all bare.
She said that she knew that I was ED'd because apparently I am 'text book' and that my attempts at normality were not enough to convince she as she has been surrounded by ED sufferers for long periods of time.
She said she wants me to get better but she knows that saying that is not enough to stop me and she doesn't want to pressure me as she knows pressure will aggravate the situation but she cares. This is all well and good but by her now telling me she cares makes me feel guilty. I felt slightly paranoid last night as I purged again but she didn't say anything she just said 'you'll do this until you don't need it anymore'. I don't know when that will be but I hope it is soon. She told me that her friend was put in a clinic as she od on laxatives. This scared me a little as I have been indulging in laxatives recently ( i used 20 this weekend).
You and I both know that clinics are not our ultimate goal but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of self recovery. I am failing miserably at quitting b/p cycle and you have lost another pound. As much as I need to talk to you I do want you to get better. I understand your fears as I share them but I think you and I underestimate the strength of our EDs. No one wants to go into a clinic but maybe that's what you need. (notice how I don't need it- can you smell the denial?!) Being outside and interacting in the 'real' world is allowing us too much choice and we are making the wrong ones for our body. I can't believe I am about to write this but; maybe if we didnt have such a luxury of choice and our activities were regulated it would be for the best.
Ok, I said it. I spend all my time looking to 5 years time when I will just magically be restored to me well adjusted self but I don't see how I will be better then. If I continue you like this for 5 more years it will have been 11years of a fear of food. It will have been half my life and bearing in mind I was on milk till about 1/2.
I can give you this 'advice' as I honestly care about you and I want you to get better and be happy but I know it os you who has to make the decision however if you fall any further the decision will not be ypurs. Surely it is better to surrender than to be beaten?
Don't try and give me advice in return because I learnt yesterday that I don't really care enough about myself to get better yet. I need self esteem before I can even think about recovery. Unfortunately they don't sell it in bottles big enough to restore me to my former 'glory.'
I don't really know what I want the outcome of this email to be. Ideally I would like you to wake up and be like 'wow, Addy makes a lot of sense, albeit in a hazy way, I will get better.' but I am not that arrogant or ignorant to believe that one well intentioned and poorly scripted email will bring you back from the abyss.
As I have always said it is easier to givre advice than it is to take it but the reason it is harder for me to take heed is that I don't look ill at the moment. Sure my teeth are fucked, my hand is scarred and my bowels have/ has mind of its own outwardly I am the picture of health and people keep saying how jealous they are of me. 'You're so lucky, god, where does it all go?' We both know the answer- the toilet. As a result I am still heavily in denial to the possible damage I might be doing to myself.
I hope this makes sense. Let me know about the clinic and your views on my well structured (don't laugh) points.
Question Time:
Did you not feel paranoid that everyone knows about you know? (sorry if that sounds crass)
Whilst I feel slightly relieved that my flatmate knows I do feel that my every move is being watched and noted now. The fact that she is watching and knowing is making me feel slightly dizzy. At least before I thought I had her guessing, apparently the smelly toilet was a BIG give away- who knew?
Hope despite everything this email finds you in some form of good health.
Take care |
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| Twice a day |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|12:23 am] |
Hey,
This is gonna sound terrible but I wish you weren;t here. I wish you were in the clinic on the slow but sure road to recovery, to happiness. Sweetie, Ed sufferer to ED sufferer 5st11 is low and you are not fat. I know that this means nothing but don't worry that everyone there will think you are fat. Only you think you're fat. I don't wish to trivialise or belittle or maybe it's another word I mean but that's the 'beauty' of anorexia you see fat where others see emaciated. I know, in my logical mind, that I'm not fat really but I don't inhabit my logical mind much anymore so I can't see it. When I look in mirrors I see fat and I feel fat all the time. I avoid mirrors at all costs. Last time I looked in a mirror properly I tried to tell myself that I wasn't fat but then I got paranoid. What if I was fat but I was so ill that I was trying to deny it (denial is after all my thing) but I couldn't see that I was eating myself to obesity?! I can't trust my own senses anymore. The truth is too blurred.
I dont know when I became depressed, was that what lead to my ED or did the ED lead to depression. I desperately tried to remeber the last time I felt that I genuinely fitted in and didnt feel like I was alone even amongst friends. I love my friends- I want them to be happy but I hate my friends- I want their happiness. Here comes self pity: What did I do that was sooo bad that I'm not trapped?? I know what you mean abput wanting someone to take anorexia away. I wish this dark cloud which supports my starve/binge/ self abuse cycle end. I thought I would always be able to stop myself from falling too deep but somehow when I wasn't looking I got out of my depth and I can't swim. Fuck this self inflicted bullshit- what made me think I was smart enough to get out before it was too late?!
I want oblivion, I want to feel nothing. That's why I drink myself into a stupor, that's why I used to smoke weed, that's why I tried coke, that's why I fucked around. That's why I have more clothes and shoes then necessary. It's why I eat everything or nothing- it's why I have trained my body to ignore hunger. It's why I am looking for coke now. I want something, anything to stop the hurt. I lied, it's not that I dont want to feel- I dont want to hurt anymore. I just want to taste happiness- real happiness.
I dont follow a religion or laws, I am already trapped by my mind I don't need anymore restrictions- I am the best disciplinarian for me. I hurt myself before others can hurt me again.
I think I will fail this year at uni. I can feel my facade slipping. Sorry, I know this is macabre. I can't face my depression yet. I know I said I'd get help but I cant let anyone in yet- sorry to disappoint you : ( I will get help soonish. Typical me procrastinate till it's too late. I cant face anything today. I deal w/ it tomorrow.........
My 'personality' is my worst enemy. I say 'personality' because I am reactionary rather than proactive. I am a product of everything- my real personality was not strong enough to stick around w/ all the crap in my head. I become addicted to everything; starving, exercise, smoking, coffee, alcohol any consumption that I think can feel the void. I am on 20 laxatives a week. I am not even eating. It's just so easy to pop them. Everyone thinks I am taking vitamins. I'll quit soonish. I like the pain of my empty stomach cramping. It's only the way I can be sure I am totally pure.
The battle continues to find just a glimpse of the happiness. I havent been happy since I was 13! I wish I could remember it, I look at pictures and my eyes werent tinged w/ the sadness, the history that they are now. I feel like everything I do to excess will never fill the hollow feeling inside. It's like my body is cracked and I am using blu tack rather than polyfilla to deal w/ the problem. What's my polyfilla? If I know it's not working why can't I stop these things? Because I am scared. I can't deal w/ the memories, sober and full of food. I need everything to be hazy because then, just then, maybe it didnt happen.
Fuck, this is it. This is my reality. This is my present. When I first threw up, all those years ago, I never thought that I'd be facing 20 as a fucking social mess. I now have a 5yr plan that keeps shifting. Everytime I purge, it is the last. Everytime I get drunk I'm gonna stop. I wish I could tell my 13yr old self to stop, move away from the toilet bowl, throw up and you'll lose your childhood. Find another way to cope. Tell people you hurt. I spent so long putting on a front for people that I lost myself.
Sorry to depress you so much. Don't worry about the fluidness (probably not even a word) of your letters- I dont make sense either. My eyesight is going as well as my memory. My body is falling apart and still I purge, even when empty- just in case.
By the time you get this the weekend will have passed but I hope you feel free to text me as much or as little as you need. Write me as many letters as possible
So many hugs for you. Take care, you are constantly in my thoughts. Thank you for being here/there/wherever
Addy
xxxxxx
I know I just just sent my last one but I forgot to mention what you said about your baby. You did what you had to do. It was the right decision at the time. I know you regret it bitterly but hurting yourself will not reverse the past. I know this is so brutual of me to say but it's true.
Let people help you to get better and have more children. They will never replace the one that went before, I know but you'll make a great mother. Dan's so supportive- great father material. Don't rob yourself of the chance of anymore children and the happiness that children bring for a memory. I know this reads so heartlessly but remmeber I am w/o child too so I am not trying to hurt you. I celebrate AJ's potential birthday every year. 13th February. I named a child that never got past a month in my stomach! AJ is Aaliyah/ Jerell I never knew it's sex and I gave it my 2 favourite names when I lost her/ him- I cant bear to call her/ him an 'it' because she/he was a part of me.
Have to go as my flatmate is waiting but Take care
Love you lots
Addy
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| Hello, Paranoia |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|12:22 am] |
Hey,
I know I ssay this all the time but don't worry about rambling as I am hardly writing w/ the flow of Shakespeare. I understand that surrealness. I am experiencing it right now, as I write this email I feel as though I am floating. I am walking through University corridors in a daze. I walk past people and it feels like I am in a dream and as if I can't be seen by them (not that I am complaining) yet I feel so fat and visible, to the point of being cumbersome. I feel so fat as everything feels like a struggle at the mo. I have missed 4 out of 12 hours of lectures as I can't find the rooms and instead of being proactive and looking for them I prefer to go and drink coffee. Taking notes makes me dizzy yet I am not even as low weight wise as I have been. Walking up and down stairs requires me to hold on to the bannister as my vision is blurred (thank you purging) and I am becoming prone to tripping.
I know what you mean about wishing that you could prioritise. My hair is so thin yet being bald does not bother me- as long as I am thin. When I was not so far in I used to think that vanity would stop me from going too far. Wrong! My right hand is so unsightly, my skin is breaking out and my eyes look weird but I just don't care because I still feel fat. Feeling fat is the worst thing in my life so having no hair, bad skin and creepy eyes seems like a small price to pay, in my ED mind.
My house has mice at the mo- a perfect excuse for me to go on long walks. I cant sleep much at the moment so I am saying that the fear that I may have mice in my room stops me sleeping and that's why I have been going on walks for hours on end. I can't wait till I have wireless in the house so I can send my ED explicit emails w/o fear of detection. Stealth is not my strong point, especially since being thin is being even more important than ever. I quit smoking for my sister but now I just can't see the point so I have taken it up again as everything seems too much.
Are you going to uni at all, or are you just waiting to go to the clinic? Has your weight dropped? I hope you are trying to maintain or gain rather than lose. All I ask is that you try, I know it is a big ask but you are so low that I worry about you all the time.
Yesterday was awful, at the restaurant I was surrounded by my father and his girlfriend and her children so my company was a mix of obese and fat people and they were just eating so fast and I felt so ill watching them yet also jealous. I wish I could just eat and be happy. Right now I am so paranoid. The scar on my hand is so noticeable to me and I'm 'sure' that people know I am purging. I have been buying laxatives from different shops and chemists and I feel like people judge me as I buy them. As I walk I feel people are looking at me and 'knowing' and judging, when people laugh I feel as though they are laughing at the waddling fat girl I have become. In my logical mind I can rationalise that people probably aren't even aware of me but my ED mind is stronger than the logical so I still get paranoid.
Have to go as the laxatives are kicking in : ( I have finished my pack so that's it- no more, hopefully.
I hate this, I am so tired of this shit. Someone bring me happiness- yet I can't eat, not just yet.
Sorry to take such a suddenly dark tone, that's my mind these days swingijng from emotions like a pendulum (maybe not spelt right)
Take care, sweetie
Addy
xxxxxxxxxx |
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crushed